On our last trip to Utah Teya had a tantrum relapse and her behavior was FAR from exemplary. Exasperated I asked my mother (and sisters, and brother in laws and anyone who was around) what I could be doing better to help her? The answer I got back shocked me. “You need to follow through.”
“Follow through? What are they talking about!? I always follow through! Are they blind?”
Just to prove it to myself the next time Teya acted up I threatened to take away her beloved Elephant. “I’m gonna count to 3! 1-2-3!” and I snatched away Elephy just like that. “Ha! You see? I follow through!” But then her big brown eyes welled up with giant tears. Real, genuine, heart breaking tears. They splashed over her checks and rolled down her neck and in that moment I knew I was the world’s cruelest mother. “Okay, okay, here’s your elephant.” I hastily gave it back, the tears stopped, and in my mind I still thought I had followed through because after all, I did take the elephant away and she obviously learned her lesson because she was soooo sad.
Unfortunately the lesson she learned was not the one I was trying to teach her.
Lesson intended: bad choices=loss of privileges (i.e. elephant )
Lesson learned: Turn on the tears and Mom will undo punishment.
Easy for anyone on the outside to see, but for me, I really thought I was following through. Every time she was bad I took away a privilege. But she was always so sad that I let her earn her privileges back (usually within the same half hour) and as a result, she never took my threats very seriously.
Well then one of my friends told about a time when her boys were really acting up so she sent them to their rooms at 5pm for the rest of the night. Her son cried and cried, he told her he was sorry and that he wouldn’t do it again. (Which is where I would’ve caved and said, “okay, thank you for saying sorry. You can come play now.”) She however said something to the effect of, “Thanks for saying sorry, but you still have to suffer the consequences for your actions.” WHOA! Hearing this story was a break through moment for me. She had used something I was desperately in need of: Tough Love. I vowed I would try it out.
Well it took awhile but a couple of weeks ago I did it. Teya LOVES watching TV and it’s one of her most precious privileges. She had been especially good at church and since she hadn’t watched TV in a few days I told her that she had earned the privilege of watching the whole Wubbzy movie when we got home. I really wanted to let her do that because 1)she’d been SO good and I thought she deserved it and 2) it meant I would get a little break too! But then just before we got home she was very disrespectful to both me and Taber and when we tried to get her to apologize she launched into a record breaking tantrum. She hasn’t thrown one like that in a LONG time and we were both blown away. Without really thinking I told her that if she didn’t stop she wasn’t going to be able to watch her movie. She didn’t stop. It took an hour to calm her down. When she was finally settled, she whimpered out a very sincere apology and asked if she could now watch her movie. Here was the moment of truth. I was so ready for a TV break, but I knew I needed to follow through. She begged and cried and said sorry a million times. It was so hard not to give in. It took support (Taber helped me stick to in when I wanted to cave) and I think it really did hurt me more than it hurt her, but somehow we got through the rest of that tough day without any TV and Teya finally learned what it feels like to really lose a privilege.
Now the awesome part of this story is what has happened since then. Teya takes me seriously! Before when she would whine or cry I would threaten to take away a privilege and she would just keep whining. Now when I threaten, she stops in her tracks, forces a smile, and with great effort changes her whine into a pleasant tone. I don’t even need to threaten with my mean mommy voice, all it takes is a gentle reminder that a privilege is at stake and she really tries to change her behavior. I know it isn’t all directly related to that incident, after all, her overriding personality is sweetness, but her fiery side seems to have been tamed and I really believe it has a lot to do with me following through.
20 comments:
Good work! I am pretty sure that I am going to have to take this advice, because I think Miley's temperment is very similar to Teya's. Sweet moist of the time...but a little feisty! :) Teya is so cute. She really is a sweet little girl!
Way to go Bec! And here all this time I thought you were following through ;) It will be worth it as it appears it already is. Wish I could be a nice mom like you. I'm the mean parent and Munro is the nice one.
Congratulations on taking a big step! It's definitely hard, but a must! Commend yourself, but don't get lax! She WILL test the waters to see if it was a one-shot deal, or if she can break through another day. Stick with it! You're an amazing mom and you're doing it because you love her so much!
Good job! I can definitely learn from your story! Chenoa is learning to test me! She loves saying, "I'm sorry," but obviously doesn't fully understand the meaning. Someday I guess...for now I need to be better about really "following through!" Thanks for sharing!!
great job, Becca!
WHOA! We just went through this EXACT same scenario, only replace TV time with books before bed. It was really hard to follow through, but worked a lot better than yelling.
So, my go-to quiver of discipline now looks like (in order of effectiveness):
1. Beatings
2. Removing privileges (and following through)
3. Yelling
I just go right down the list, and the problems melt away. As a side note, why does DCFS keep calling me?
Wahoo!! Congrats! I love the little "ah-ha!" mommy moments. Way to go!
Awesome Becca! I cave too when I see those huge eyes filled with tears. I can learn a lesson or two from this post...thanks!
Way to go Becca! It is definately harder on the mom when you take away a privelage. You are the one who has to listen to the WHY'S and WHINING. We grounded Parker from the annual float trip for something that he had not done, and believe me it was way harder on me than him!
I'm so proud! I am not a parent yet but that is definitely something I have always heard and witnessed that is key to having your children respecting you is following through. Keep up the good work!
Dude! I totally feel you. Brooklyn has a plastic duck she likes to sing to at night when I put her to bed but sometimes she sings and laughs at it forever and won't go to sleep! So tonight I took it away and told her she was done singing and needed to sleep now. A few minutes later I heard her crying and when I opened the door to see what was wrong she said "Mommy...pleeeease ducky!?"
I of course gave it to her...DOH! Tough love is hard stuff, especially for mommies! I'm proud of you sis. Good job!
Love this entry Becca! Could you please come mother my children for a couple of weeks and call me when they are being good again? I'm tired, tired, tired :).
You go girl! And we thought we were pretty cool cause we are friends with you guys.....apparently EVERYONE else is friends with you too! You guys much just rock
I really loved this post. I love how honest you are with yourself, and I admire it. I think sometimes I'm in denial that I cave a lot, too. I like to think I've got this parenting thing down, but come on, let's get real. I totally cave when it I really need a break. This was a really good reminder for me, thanks for sharing!
Many of our students wander from their seats and have their chairs taken away...but at the end of the class the Thai teacher gives the chair back to the kid...so basically, yeah, they lose the priv of sitting comfortable during class for all of a half hour...
Yesterday our English teacher took two boys' chairs during first period and put the chairs in the office with a note on them not to give them back until the next day. The kids stood for the next 6 hours through science, math, social studies, Thai and all of their other classes.
I think this following through will be more effective than losing the chair for a half hour...feels cruel to make them stand, but after a few hours, the smirks on their faces were gone and they knew they were hosed...Hopefully they learned something so the teachers don't have to repeat the disciplinary actions of yesterday.
Kudos to you, Becca ... and it's just the beginning you know. I had a moment like this with Rachel (back at the beginning of summer). You know what it made me think of and realize. (Yeah, I'm gonna get all "Sunday School" on ya ;-) ... Just how hard it must have been for Heavenly Father to listen to his Son ask for the challenge to be taken away, to stand firm, to watch him suffer and ultimately, to turn his back on him and let his Son finish on his own.
Keep it up, but remember, you are human and thank Heavenly Father for that everyday! All you have to worry about is the elephant or TV watching ... we have it SO easy!
I loved reading your post! I have been through the exact same thing with both my girls. Sometimes it is the hardest thing to stick to your guns and not give in, but in the end you both benefit from it. I have a nearly 9 year old and a 6 year old and I still learn new things all the time about parenting more effectively.
Way to go! That's such a hard thing. I hate when I threaten something that I really don't want to do, and then have to actually do it.
We've been out of town, and I've loved getting caught up on your blog - it's fun to have a lot of posts to read at once.
This post has hit a spot with all moms I am sure! Way to go on following through- that is our biggest parenting tactic around here. Not always fun, but it works! Keep up the great work. You are an AMAZING mother.
not to be gross or anything bec but I am really happy that you as a mother finally decided to grow that big pair of mommy balls. lol/ it's been a long time coming and I am very proud of you for following through. you rock girl.
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